nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
