He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
