Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
