he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
