It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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