Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
