I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
