My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
