She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
