There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Randomize
