Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
