Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
