Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
