I'm so fucking centered right now
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
