in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
