woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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