i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
