My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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