Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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