too bad you live with your parents still
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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