apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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