Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
