For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
