im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
