hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
