it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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