i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
