omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
birth control should be required to get into college
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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