mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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