I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize