I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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