It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
