I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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