What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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