the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
