i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize