I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
