so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
