Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize