she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
