I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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