you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
