Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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