Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
