Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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