We won't sleep together?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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