her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
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