This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
