just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Dear god my vagina.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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