My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Randomize
