I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
