my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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