she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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