If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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