guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
