Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
