I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
