You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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