I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
