Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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