so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
