I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
