I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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